The life and mind of Adeline Ong

This is a response to my friend Yazmin’s Words Unspoken…. Quite fun actually.

12 things I want to tell to 12 people in my life. No names will be revealed so rest assured.

1. The mask of innocent persona is starting to wear off. You are not fooling anyone but yourself. Quit while you are still ahead.

2. Although I keep saying that it is in the past but I still blame you for what you said that night and not taking the opportunity to go. I hate it when you emotionally blackmail me into thinking that the world should revolve the way you want it to. It’s been years now but it still haunts me until today.

3. A tease? A flirt? I am very confused when I am around you. If there is the glimmer of hope for us, ask me. I have the right answer.

4. Just because you were born beautiful, does not mean that the world owes you anything. I am where I am because I worked my ass off. You should try that once in a while.

5. I might be caught in the whirlwind of my crazy, hectic life but that does not mean I do not care. The phone works both ways you know.

6. You cheated and yet you pretend to be the victim. You made me think it was my fault. Saying I hate you for doing that to me is an understatement.

7. The only reason I hurt you is because I know you love me and no matter what I do you will still love me.

8. I wish you are still here to see what I have become and I hope that you will be proud.

9. It hurts me everyday to see you sinking deeper and deeper into oblivion. I would save you but you have to be willing.

10. Obviously you talk a lot without saying anything. That’s just sad. I dread every message and call from you. You deplete me.

11. You did not lead me down the path of no return. I created that path, you were merely a guest. So no guilt trip there.

12. A rock is still a rock even if you put it in a pile of jewels. Yes, you are that rock.

It was a quiet commute home after a long day of projects. My passenger Z, obviously disturbed by the silence, decided to strike up a conversation.

“Hey, Flo. How long have you been single?”

“Close to 3 years now. Why?”

“Nothing.”

Then another long moment of silence.

“Ummm… Flo?”

“What?”

“Don’t you want a boyfriend?”

Now Z, is one of those people I categorize as ‘Can’t live without a man’. Her dating experience can be compiled into volumes of badly written love (or should I say horror) stories. Her current beau is another character in her twisted drama of a love life but that is her story to tell. Z’s question was the final straw for me, because I guess it is best to come clean about it.

It is not that I do not want a boyfriend. I don’t mind having a boyfriend.

So what’s the problem?

I have a whole load of excuses why I can’t have a boyfriend now. (I am not in the mood to write it as of now)

Let’s just say, if the time is right and a guy decides to make the first move, I might say yes.

If any of you decide to take it upon yourself to set me up on a blind date, go ahead but don’t expect me to enjoy myself.

OK, the title is deceiving. But I wrote this out of boredom.

Dear beloved readers,

I know that I have not been blogging much.
Most of my activities have been focused on Facebook.
My bad, I admit.

Well during the past couple of months, my computer has been infected with viruses that I have lost some of my writing.

I am hoping to get back on track.
Thank you for being patient with me.

And before I forget, HAPPY WESAK DAY!!!

Love Adeline

Don’t forget that the

Little Penang Street Market
is celebrating Penang’s creativity again

on SUNDAY 29th March 2009

OVER 60 CRAFT & FOOD STALLS…
WONDERFUL LIVE ENTERTAINMENT…..
including
ALINA RASTAM, poetess and activist….. at 2.30pm

Date: 29th March 2009 (Sunday)

Time: 10.00am - 5.00pm

Place: Upper Penang Road

For more information:

Adi H/p 016-488 3632
Email: littlepenang@gmail.com

Website: www.littlepenang.com.my

SPREAD THE WORD: PASS THIS ON

Due to what I do in my free time, I have the privilege to hang out with some of the most gorgeous looking and talented people you would have ever met. They have careers and affluent lifestyles that make people envious of them. They live realities that many consider dreams which would never be realized in this or many lifetimes to come. And yet despite all that I realize that many still have insecurities that outsiders assume are non existent.

I am the most insecure person I know. I am not sure why. Sparky says it is because I think too much. Perhaps it is.

But as I get to know the people around me, I find we are not so different after all. Yes, we live different lifestyles, hang out with different people, come from different backgrounds and thread different paths. Yet deep down inside, we have something in common, insecurities. I am not sure why but I notice these in many of my Asian friends. I am not saying this to be racist or anything. It is just a fact that is common across this group.

I start to question whether it is our upbringing that makes us feel that we are not good enough. Or is it the fact that in our culture, being proud of our achievements can be seen from a negative point of view. WHAT A BIG SHOW OFF!!!

Thus I notice this other thing; Asians can’t seem to take compliments very well. I know I am one. Despite my friends telling me great things about myself, I still have tons of doubt and lack the confidence. I remembered when I was younger, my relatives find me a tad bit odd because I accepted compliments with, “Thank yous” and moved on with my life. Now, I second guess. Weird, right?

Recently, I gave a compliment to an acting buddy of mine and was met with tons of negativity. It frustrated me. Here is this gorgeous young actress beginning to step out into the world, but she managed to find hairline cracks that are non existent. However, this experience was an eye opening experience for me. It was the mirror of what I have been doing. I finally felt what my friends have been feeling every time I try to dodge a compliment.

So from today forth, I will acknowledge and take responsibility of the things I say; take compliments as they are given to me whole heartedly and thank my friends who saw something in me that I have not realized and who expect more of me than I can ever fathom for myself.

I am not sure if you get this. But for me, every time someone sees a picture of me with a boy. A rumor is spread, claiming that the guy is my latest love interest or lover. This time questions came all the way from Taiwan. (No YY dear, I am not dating anyone) Well, I can’t really blame them because what I used to do was to post random pictures of me and my guy pals just to screw with people. I am not sure why but people just seem so interested in these pictures. Now, I don’t do it anymore but people are still very curious.

Though as a joke, someone has nicknamed me the ‘boy magnet’ and I literally mean BOY because most of them are younger than yours truly. Yes, I admit I hang out with more boys than girls. Is that a crime?

I have been single for a long time now. If the time comes for me to end singlehood, it will come. But at the moment, no point worrying about it right? For those who keep on wondering about the state of my love life, you will know when it actually happens. So for now, please stop gossiping and spreading rumours.

A few nights ago, my friend Nick mentioned that it would be good to casual date again. So few people do it. (If they are, I am really out of the loop and unaware of such a scene) Come to think of it, casual dating would be a good idea. It has been a while since I went casual dating and apparently according to my girlfriends, hanging out with my best guy friend does not count as a date. Dang it! So let’s see. Looking back now, my last date was probably back in August 2008. Yes, it is a loooooooooooong time ago.

Out of the crazy randomness of being me, I asked Nick to set me up with his friends and I’ll set him up with mine. But here is the problem, we share the same circle of friends. So it can’t work out too well.

Hahaha…

No this is not an invitation for you to set me up on a date. But if you do think that there is someone in your circle that I might get along with, let us all hang out. You can’t go wrong with having more friends.

I find it very interesting that people that I have met recently are very interested in knowing another person’s sexual orientation. I guess this is a great fascination in the entertainment line since most people I know happen to be homosexuals. Personally, I believe that artistically inclined folk are more accepting of the diversity in our sexual orientations. Come to think of it, we humans are very sexual creatures. I mean other than the dolphins and chimps; we are the only other beings on earth that have sex for fun. Don’t ask me how I know that, I just do.

So this is a list of sexual orientation that I have compiled.
Which one are you? You do not have to answer this. This is for your reading pleasure and self discovery (in case you are still closeted)

Asexual –

1. An asexual person does not feel physical/sexual attraction at all
2. An asexual person has no desire to have sex

(So far I have come to know 2 people who are like this)

Heterosexual -
1. Sexually oriented to persons of the opposite sex.
2. Of or relating to different sexes.

Homosexual -
1. Sexually oriented to persons of the same sex

Bisexual –
1. Sexually responsive to both sexes, ambisexual

Trisexual –
1. Officially termed as pertaining to having sex with males, females, and one’s self
2. Unofficially and created by my college mates, Trisexuality means guy, girl and animal.

TRY-Sexual

Sparky termed me as this, a try-sexual. A person who is willing to try anything once. Muahaha… But wait, I am the only try-sexual I know.

The Rose
by
Adeline Ong (Now officially deemed herself, Queen of Jiwang)

Spring whispers into the garden,
Crimson petals dancing in the wind,
Lingering sweet scent of you,
Or what was once before,
Threading the path untraveled,
Once together now broken,
Crushed jewels upon my feet,
Replaying memories of past,
Lovers of summers long ago,
Tears of years to come,
Hard, sharp thorns of black,
Slowly tearing porcelain white skin,
Marrying my crimson soul within,
With your crimson pride,
Yet I flirt with destiny that never seems,
To come upon angel wings of autumn,
Soon winter will come to bring my slumber,
At last, now and forever more.

Dedicated to all who fear commitment (yours truly included) and things that comes with it…

P.S. This IS a V-Day poem because
a) I am jiwang
b) I am tired
c) I just felt like it because it is that time of the year again
d) I wrote this originally for someone but am too chicken shit to send it to him

Hey you,
Are you staring at the same starry sky tonight?
Hey you,
Are you humming the same tune?
Hey you,
Do you think of me when you are alone? (Because I do)
Hey you,
Are you as afraid as I am? (I am terrified)

Hey you,
I know not what the future brings,
Hey you,
I know not what tomorrow will be,
Hey you,
I know that I want you next to me,
Hey you,
Let’s forget the world, let’s go!!!

Lately I have been listening to Nickelback’s If Today Was Your Last Day and it became a realization for me. The lyrics…

Nickelback Lyrics
If Today Was Your Last Day Lyrics

These 3 chunks:-

“Each day’s a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride�

“Every second counts ’cause there’s no second try
So live like you’ll never live it twice
Don’t take the free ride in your own lifeâ€?

And

“So do whatever it takes
‘Cause you can’t rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin’ stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side�

Are really getting to me.

Yes, if you have been following my crazy saga over the years, you will have probably guessed the core of this particular entry. It is correct; I am crushing on a guy.

A lot of my friends like this guy and think I should give it a try but I have been coming up with a lot of reasons (Excuses, depending on which angle you are reading this)

1. I believe, “He is not that into me�. (If you are a SATC fan, you would understand this phrase)
2. I do not want to make the first move.
3. I think he likes someone else.
4. I am afraid of rejection. (And yes, you lot will come back to me and say, “Isn’t everybody?�)

What’s a girl to do now?

Yes, I really like this guy.

A major scare last week made me realize how fragile our lives are.

Grandmama had a minor stroke which affected her speech. She is better now. Sadly, there is the lack of luster that she usually carries in her smile. But seeing that she went from hospital bed to the family living room back in Johor in just 2 days; is a good sign that she is recovering fairly fast.

Personally, I was prepared for the worst. I know it sounds very pessimistic of me but I am honest with my feelings. I bet that the same feeling was lingering in the hearts and minds of many of my family members though I bet none would admit it. After all, it is the festive season and no one wants bad news.

So this year, the cousins and I kicked it up a notch. We celebrated like crazy and played like there is no tomorrow. For me, I hardly play blackjack but guess what I won RM38. Teehee!!!

The most important thing is my family is together for the first time in a few years now.

Tomorrow, we are heading back to Penang for a few days to visit family.

So many people but too little time.

Gong Xi Fa Cai!!!

This is a response to Halim’s Hari-Hari Cinta. A beautiful piece which inspired me to pen my own feelings.

A Weak Love (or A Week of Love)

I prayed for you on Monday,
I saw you on Tuesday,
I brushed passed you on Wednesday,
I uttered, “Hi!� on Thursday,
I fell for you on Friday,
I ran from you on Saturday,
I cried for you on Sunday.

As creatives we all value individuality. I personally champion individuality. I love people who are quirky because they are so interesting. However, we all do not live in the ideal world.

People want conformity. They want you to be ‘normal’. But what is normal? Individuality is seen as a threat to the status quo and the shifting of paradigms. After all, it does only take one person to make a difference.

As someone who is living in the ‘real world’ and kawasan-kawasan sewaktu dengannya, I understand that my personality, attitude and my style would have to some what conform and be presented as ‘user friendly’ or in other words appeal to the masses. We are entertainers after all. (Ironically I studied Mass Communication before, I SHOULD know, right?)

I love being a Goth but knowing that Goths are usually deemed outcasts by mainstream society. Anyone associated with me are automatically streamlined into the same pool of moral deterioration. I can take it if people call me names and be indifferent to me but when they decide to lump people I care about in the same category, it really gets to me.

In order not to hurt the people I care about, I shall tone down my Goth-ness when outsiders are around. And be more ‘USER FRIENDLY’.

I am a fan of Daniel Powter’s Bad Day… But move over Bad day… Here comes a BAD WEEK… A real bad week for yours truly…
How bad is this week? Very bad…
And in order to make me feel better, I am going to bitch about this.

I can’t believe that one bad week has manage to make me doubt myself as a person,
I can’t believe that one bad week has manage to make me question my skills and talents,
I can’t believe that one bad week has manage to make me have reservations about my faith,
I can’t believe that one bad week has manage to make me feel like calling it quits,
I can’t believe that one bad week has manage to revive the monster that I once buried,
I can’t believe that one bad week has manage to tear down the walls I once built,
I can’t believe that one bad week has manage to bring back dead memories,
I can’t believe that one bad week has manage to flood my life with idiots and fools,
I can’t believe that one bad week has manage to wreck relationships that took years to build,
I can’t believe that one bad week has manage to make me not want to wake up in the morning,
But I guess, it actually does take one bad week to show that I am actually ALIVE.

- Pei Leng’s Wedding and her son’s full moon

- Money & You, April and July 2008

- Malaysians Freeze at Pavilion

- My comeback on stage - COOC

- The Dance on the Balcony

- LiveShocks

- 26 on the 26

- Date nights with Sparky

- Ribbit Edutainment projects

- Origami Classes

- Short + Sweet

- Hanging out with Million Dollar Baby again…

- Bridesmaid at Samantha’s Wedding

- Halloween Cookout @ Sparky’s

- Getting my Corda for Capoeira

- NIDA 08

- Paying homage to KuanYin in Sanya

I am not much for putting up my Christmas wish list. I know it is too late for people to rush out and buy me stuff if they wanted to but heck, let’s have some fun here.

1. A digital camera – as many of you know, I am one of the only bloggers who do not own a camera. Sad but true.
2. DVD of Across The Universe
3. A cool design for this outdated website
4. A portfolio shoot – headshots and the whole lot
5. A black laced corset
6. A pair of high knee leather boots
7. Thomas Sabo lucky charm
8. Katana
9. Kimono ala Jigoku Shoujo
10. My own entourage of PAs, stylist and publicist
11. Can I be cheeky and add WORLD PEACE?

It has happened many times but I guess the nature of this thing being repetitive has taught me how to handle it maturely and gracefully.

One of my friend has gotten a boyfriend and funnily enough people around me are wondering how I feel. I guess most people are wondering how I would spend my time now since I will not be hanging out with my friend as often as I used to. What do they want me to feel anyway? Lonely? Sad? Jealous?

Honestly I feel really happy, I’ve met the boyfriend (before they were together) and he has received my seal of approval. They really deserve each other.

As for the seal of approval, it is not that I do not like my friends’ partners. But somehow, many have conveniently chose the dumbest assholes (Sorry, mind my language here.) to date. Argh!!! I apologize if my sisterly instincts kick in but it is always easier to spot the players and jerks when you are the third party. Trust me; I have had my share of dumb assed partners before. Conveniently I did not see that when I was dating them.

Back to the main topic.

Now just because my friend is dating someone means that we are no longer friends anymore. It is just that we have different priorities now. Which I believe is great because I strongly believe we would have killed each other if we spent too much time together. Will I miss the hang outs, the get together and activities we usually do as a duo? I would be lying if I said no. But everyone needs their own time and space.

Someone once lamented to me that now his social life had to change because his best friend has gotten a girlfriend and no longer has time to play PS2 with him anymore. Rather sad if you are a man in your mid 20s and the closest you ever got to a girl was Lara Croft. That is a different story all together.

Anyway, as they saying goes 3 is a crowd and trust me I have had enough experience being the lamp post in many dates of various couples. I know sometimes my friends feel bad because I might feel left out. After all, I have been single ever since dinosaurs roamed the face of the Earth. They have included me in activities with good intentions no doubt.

Sometimes I wish I could blatantly say, “ X (insert friend’s name), I want you to know that hanging out with just you and your boyfriend almost all the time is not my cup of tea and I am sure your boyfriend would want one on one time with you. Having me there will just spoil the romantic atmosphere.�

Personally, I feel we should be able to manage and separate time into 3 parts when it comes to hanging out – lovers, friends and the whole gang. I used to give my ex time alone with his friends because I strongly believe that you should not ignore your friends when you are in a relationship. Many people despite knowing so still ignore their friends when they are blissfully walking in the wonderland of love.

Currently, I am not sure how I fit into my friend’s crazy schedule. We will have to wait and see. Then again, if I do get lonely. I guess finding a boyfriend shouldn’t be too hard, is it?

It is amazing how 2008 just flew pass by me.

I know it sounds clichéd because I believe every other person has the same comment. But for me it is true. It was a year of many discoveries. Some positive, others not so. Happiness versus heartbreak moments. Memories that will last a lifetime.

Through them all, I have picked up some life lessons that I would love to share.

Responsibility – Taking charge of your life begins with being able to take responsibility for the things that we have done be it for the greater good or just because we are the devil’s advocate. If you choose to run away from responsibility, you will be running forever. Responsibility is scary at times but in the end, everything will work out.

Love – It is alright to fall in love and be vulnerable once in a while. It is alright to feel pain when love is lost. It is alright to just feel for once. Love is the mother of all emotions and all emotions are created equal.

Humanity – Hating people is alright as long as you still believe in humanity. There is good in every person no matter how horrible they may seem.

Career – There is no harm in trying for something you really want. Stagnation can only damage you. You are your own biggest supporter. Set the bar higher than usual, you will be amazed at the wonders that unfold.

Self Awareness – You do not always need to know the answer and that is alright.

Humility – No matter what happens in life. Always remember these 4 words. “THIS TOO, SHALL PASS�

Passion – Life is more enjoyable when you are passionate about something.

Money – It is just a tool. It does not define you. If you are skillful, money is a great servant. If not, money is the master of horrors.

Spirituality – Never underestimate the power of prayer. It is magical.

Individuality – Just be yourself. You are who you are and should not spend time trying to defend it or explain yourself. There will be haters, no doubt, but why bother, they are spending their time obsessing over your lack of conformity. You have FANS!!!

As the New Year comes forth, I hope I will be much wiser then. Happy New Year!!!

I know that I sound rather ungrateful at times when I lament that I am a struggling and jobless actor. But when I look back at my so called career in acting, I have done pretty well in 2008.

Coming Out of The Closet – May
Older (The Platform) - July
Waiting for Ashes (Short+Sweet) - August
Ketukung Togel – August
Cheng Ho and the Treasure Fleet – October
Hiding - November
The Stage – November

Despite the fact that many of these were short plays and films. It does cement the fact that I have advance in my acting compared to me being in Penang.

Let’s see what new projects 2009 will bring.

Someone asked me if I ever fallen for a co-star before.

Now this is a tough question because I am not sure how to tackle this.

I believe in love and that love can be spontaneous. However, I hold on to some principles such as not dating co-workers. Technically, my co-stars are my co-workers. I know that there are people who do it and there is nothing wrong with that. But for me, it does complicate matters. I applaud people who are able to keep the line clean between professional and personal life. I know I am capable of doing the same but I not only lack focus; I have a huge drama hook.

Coming back to love, I have not fallen for a co-star during productions. The ones that I have fallen for were actually my friends before we started out the productions and things went awry from there. Simply put, they happen to be my crushes before they became my co-stars.

The upside of having your crush as a co-star is, you just can’t wait to get to work. You become super productive and attentive. Well, at least I know I was more than happy to drive miles away to attend rehearsal even after my long day at work.

Plus, if your co-star is supposed to be your lover/partner in the show, it is easy to put in more emotional connection. But be warned that it is also hard to get out of it at times. This come as no surprise since many celebrities met their other half while filming on set. I shall not elaborate which couples because this is not a Hollywood gossip entry.

Productions are jobs to me and I for one will do my very best not to jeopardize that. It is true that the heart wants what the heart wants. So when it ever comes to that, I will make my decision then. For now, I am still able to maintain my professionalism.